I have to have control over everything now!

I can't control what happened to me or the fact that I've got a brain injury, so the only option is to now control everything I can so I can feel like I'm back in charge of something, even if it's something small. I'm very strict with what I control and I don't like that being taken away from me.

I have to clean the house myself; all jobs have to be done by me. If Terry (my Husband) does any jobs, he doesn't do them to my standard and I have to do them again. He knows that there isn't any point in trying to help me out as I will get annoyed that he has done things and then I will just do them again anyway. I think he is quite happy that he doesn't have to do housework although he gets a bit lazy with it, he will leave a cup in a random place-like the bathroom, when I ask why he hasn't put it in the kitchen, he will say 'I know you like doing stuff like that'. That's annoying.

If I make a decision, I stick to it and no one can try and change my mind and I won't change it myself. This goes hand in hand with my impulsiveness, but at the same time I'm not always very good at making decisions but you can't make the decision for me, you just have to wait for me to decide on my own. If I get an idea, I do it and you can't stop me even if you tell me how wrong it is. I thought of it and decided on it so I'm doing it.

If I'm doing a task even as simple as making a cup of tea, I need to complete it all and can't be distracted. I have to complete everything to the end without stopping, I get frustrated and annoyed if anyone tries to stop me. If you came round to visit me and I was cleaning the bathroom, I wouldn't stop what I was doing, you would have to wait until id finished. Everything is a process for me now, even making a cup of tea, usually you just make it and don't think about it but I now have to break things down into a process and I really have to think about it. That's probably why I can't be distracted as I lose my train of thought and then wouldn't be able to continue.

Plans need to be made WITH me. You can't decide what is happening and then let me know, if plans are then changed or even slightly altered it makes me anxious and annoyed and then I don't want to go ahead at all. Things get done on my terms and in my time, if I decide it then that's what happens.

My issue with food and dishing up my own dinner is ultimately a control issue. Food shopping is a problem, it would be perfect if I could control everyone in the supermarket and stop them from wandering around aimlessly. You know what you eat and what you usually buy so just pick it up and buy it!! Why you feel the need to look at EVERYTHING, I don't know. Before I go shopping, I write down everything that I need and then I write the list again but in order of where things are in the shop, that way I can walk round and pick things up in order, I don't waste any time. My Mum says that going shopping with me is like supermarket sweep, the only thing that slows me down is bloody annoying shoppers! I have 2 supermarkets that I know the layout of which makes my list writing easy, if they ever decide to re-arrange the stock, I'll never go shopping again.

If Terry thinks of something I can get when I'm on my way out the door, that really winds me up because I have my list organised and being told an item last minute messes it up, I then have to squeeze it onto the list after thinking about what aisle it will be on and then the list looks messy. If he texts me while I'm in the shop he can forget it, it wasn't on the list so I'm not getting it.

I don't buy anything that isn't on my list and if I got to the supermarket and I'd forgotten the list, I wouldn't buy a thing and I would just go home, wouldn't even guess what we needed. And you guessed it, I have to pack it all myself when I get home.

It's fun and games being with me.

Chapter 6 - Gambling Will Make It Better »